I am thinking a lot about discipleship and discipline today.
Early this morning, after a too-long hiatus, I wrote my 'morning pages' (as prescribed in "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron).
I wadded up and threw away the pages when I was finished, as I had not written them in a private notebook and they are not even meant for the kind of rereading a personal journal might merit.
But the wildly varying and random thoughts which were scribbled in my stream-of-consciousness writing this morning, included some which revealed discouragement about the ratio of 'years travelled' to 'distance travelled' in my walk with God.
I wrote down the thoughts which followed those, too, and they were all about the conversion of C.S. Lewis and how, afterward, his life and work were so completely devoted to Christ and to spreading the gospel.
Of course, the next thoughts to hit the page were about how abyssmal my own scrawny devotion is and how seriously my life and work are lacking in fruitfulness.
Do you see why it is a difficult discipline to do the morning pages?
Later in the morning, feeling the need of extra heart-help as I prepared to do my Bible study lesson, I grabbed a devotional book that I read only occasionally.
Here is a portion of what I read in the May 2nd entry of "Daily with my Lord" by W. Glynn Evans.
"This also means that I must forget comparison with others. Comparison means we are at the same point, on the same level. But no two children of God are ever at precisely the same point or on the same level. I must not, therefore, compare myself to David Brainerd, Henry Martyn, or Jim Elliot. I must only ask God if He is satisfied with my progress at a given moment, If He is, all is well, even though flaws and specks appear in my makeup."
I broke into tears when I read that.
All that I had 'dumped' in my morning pages came flooding back to me, and I heard God say (again!), " You do not, but I feel kindly toward you, Naomi."
So, I'm thinking a lot about discipline and discipleship.
If I hadn't shown up for morning pages (which is a discipline for my creative life), would I have been conscious of those discouraging thoughts?
If I hadn't shown up for His touch through His word, would I have gotten His light on those thoughts?
And yet, it's still hard to show up.
It's hard to show up to create; to write, to draw...
...to play or write music.
It's hard to show up to spend time with God; to listen, to read, to pray, to study.
There is resistance.
But there is Someone who feels kindly towards us, and when we show up...
...we find Him waiting.